Jun 17, 2010

Open your mouth ..ha ha ha!

I am going to my dentist today....feeling sick already :(

Finished reading the last novel yesterday. Need to get something really good!

Want to read THE GREAT INDIAN NOVEL by Shashi Tharoor.

Jun 10, 2010

Crisis of Self-Identification

Yes yes. Here it comes. Self-identification. Self-obsessed me. But this time, it's little different.

Yesterday at dinner, my Sci-Fi uncle asked me this very simple question: How are you?
And I replied..I am fine. I usually say the same thing whenever anybody asks me about my well being etc. etc.

And then while I was eating, i just thought for a while...and said ..actually I am not fine. But I am not sad either. So, will that account for being "fine"?

He laughed and asked me...how is your work going on? I said pretty good and am coming back home on time as well. I said on personal level too..everything is calm, nice and there are no complaints.

And then came this big concept of self-identification. My dad as usual was commenting on "live life king size...and living in the present" philosophy and my mom was coming up with new questions related with the big one. I was trying to finish my brinjal curry simultaneously thinking about AH and the episode of Castle which i wanted to see.....

However I asked him, how are you? To this, he said, I am OK. Well see...that's the standard thing people say...no one ever says I am happy...because, it is not a permanent state..there is nothing like absolute happiness for mortals.

Well this discussion led to many perspectives. I have started to believe that we are never satisfied for a long period of time.

Despite living a good life (with a career of my choice, with a life partner of my choice,) something remains lacking....on a spiritual level. On a macro level, there is this universe, world, my country, my state, my city, my society, my home, my family and then I. How small is my existence in physical sense. Of course, I have touched many lives.. :) yet, when it comes to the connection with self..it's not there.

I am a religious person..not much but I believe in Almighty..and pray to God everyday before leaving for office..and before going to sleep I do the same. That is one habit that I follow ever since I was in school. Is it just a habit? no can't be because I earnestly pray...and in my prayers I ask for the well being of my parents and family..and myself. I pray to God to be with me in all situations...to give me strength to do the right thing.

In management classes, we were told to believe in the concept of "we". And I appreciate all that stuff. But it is so superficial. There is so much of "I", "me" and "myself"....everywhere.

I try to justify my mistakes with myself knowing that it's all crap until I accept what I have done was not correct.

Ohh there is some much going on in my mind...

Jun 2, 2010

If only... the rains could wash the pain!

I am sad. Being sad is a recurring story. I can realize that my last post was written in a similar mood. And today when I write this, I feel just the same.

It rained in Ahmedabad last night. It was enthralling to smell the wet mud, listening to the birds chirping on balcony, watching the purple color of sky, feeling the cool breeze. I was so lazy. I tried to read for some time. But chose to sleep instead. Like that was going to help. How vain our efforts can be? We live in some self-created illusionary state.

Anyway, I listened to the songs playing on radio. To my surprise, the first song I listened was Ronan Keating’s “when you say nothing at all” and it left me with so many unsaid things. I waited for AH’s call. My cell vibrated at 11:05 pm and I answered half-heartedly. I anticipated that we will talk about something else. But we did not. And then I slept.

I woke up early with the same droning mood… I did not recall seeing any dreams also. I checked my cell for any message. There wasn’t any. Finally he called. It was cliché of last night...whoa...Could it be any more serious…duh! I feel so vacant right now.

Anyway, I don’t have much time to extend this post. Got a presentation to finish.